I had a moment this week during my esketamine treatment* that has stuck with me. While I spent a majority of the session just chilling in the recliner, letting my thoughts cycle and go where they wanted, I hit a point where I experienced what I can only describe as a moment of complete peace–an absolute break in the clouds where, as cheesy as it sounds, I felt like I was going to be okay.

I’m going to be okay.

“Okay” might seem like the baseline to many, but for someone who has spent the last 3-plus years feeling nowhere near okay it was so fucking needed. And sometimes that’s enough to get us through the rest of the day. Or the next day. Or the next week or month. For me, it gave me a back the hope I’d been losing lately. The little voice in my head that was getting louder, telling me I might never feel better than I have (when is still fucking miserable most days) faded.

I might not ever feel amazing, energized, positive, full of self-love, polly-fucking-anna, radiating sunshine 24/7. But, for the first time in quite a while, I know I’ll get to a point where the “okay” days outnumber the shitty ones. I’m good with “okay” days. Hell, maybe I’ll even hit a few good days.

Now that I believe that, I can breathe a little more.

I can live a little more.

I can love myself a little more.

xxCarrie

Something that always makes me smile, even when I’m crying? This dude.

This song makes me feel Okay >>

*For anyone interested or curious, the esketamine treatment I’m on is Spravato. I’m on my seventh week of treatments (started at twice a week for four weeks, and now I have them once a week). The session lasts two hours in my licensed practitioner’s office because the med requires supervision. While I can’t speak for others, my experience is approximately 45 minutes of an intense “trip” that fades and is almost completely gone by the end of the session. Don’t ask me the details on how it works, but I’ve noticed gradual improvements with the most obvious improvements beginning around week 5.